It was him, but really it was me, a lot of me!
I’ve hopped from relationship to relationship since I was 13 years old. I remember so clearly meeting this young man who glowed stupendously in the night time..though I think that was just a figment of my imagination, there was no glow, just teenage camaraderie. Every girl needs a bad boy at least once in her life they say. That is bullshit! This bad boy had me under such a spell, I let it slide when I saw another girl standing at the door of his house, the house he didn’t want me to visit that day. I also let it slide when he jumped up looking like he was gonna hit me because I was crying, I never really had much of a voice to speak.. So by the time I was 13 self-loathing moved in after my self-expression checked out.
The only reason I think I needed a bad boy, was that I never had someone to protect me, my father, that male figure that is invaluable to a little girl’s life. My Grandfather was a bad boy, he left my grandmother with a mattress and a couple chairs with 5 children, my uncle was a bad boy, he knew how to beat the devil out of you, even if there was no devil, my biological-dad was absent, and the intimidator (aka) my then-stepfather.. (But that’s a whole different story altogether) he was the death of me. I guess now that I am currently in the process of resurrection, I realized that I left my self-worth scattered and wrapped up in soiled bed-sheets. I made myself forget.
The linen never smelt like lavender, it had more of a musky smell, a rancid one.
Even the hair on my body began to produce double-time..a biological self-defence mechanism that was the bain of my life, so much that I wore scarves in the middle of summer’s choking heat just to cover shaving bumps on my neck- ashamed? Yes. Until I recently started to understand its frequency. PCOS- Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (aka) You-got-some-deep-ancestral-relationship-problems-that-need-to-be-solved-so-I’ma-shut-down-your-reproductive-system, is one of many forerunners of female reproductive issues. Some of the prime females in my family, including myself seemed to have developed over time Fibroids, PCOS, Ovarian Cancer or some sort of blow to the womb. Really the blow hit the heart of these women but it was our wombs that became the dumping ground of baggage, waste that was given to us.
With every open, they would stare into my universe, they would see the gold that was hidden in-between my legs but they only took pleasure. They were like pirates, devising a plan to get as much they could in the time that they had. I gave myself as a sacrifice, I numbed myself yet I was trying to feel. I was trying to lose myself, the one that was scarred so I could birth a new me. He finished, he sighed, he got up and he preened himself to life again. I’d crack a smile in the corner of my mouth, convinced that power was in my hands. No, there was no power, only lies and I knew it. I just didn’t want to look at it.
This little flower was picked too soon, This little flower lost her roots. This little flower wants to rise to the sky and dance like the wind to a tune.
For many years now, unaware that I’ve demanded attention, demanded validation from guys I felt that I was not worthy enough to walk in the light with. It was always, I’ll meet you there where all the people couldn’t see, back way alleys, and sneaking around in all these forbidden places. No matter how many times they told me I was beautiful or sexy, I didn’t believe it, but I wanted to hear it over and over again until I did. I was never enough for me, because the me that I knew wasn’t the me that I wanted. I would chase dead-ends that screamed one way street but I closed my ears, I was deaf to the truth and blind to knowledge.
10 years later, I’m sat here staring at this screen replaying scenes of the battles with lovers, all of whom were reflections of a broken spirit, a broken girl. Isn’t it something when you wake up to truth of your life, an awkward and melancholic pill to swallow. Though this pill, it helps to ease the burning heart and brings understanding so the truth isn’t that bitter to taste.
If you want to know where you are in life. Take a look at what’s going on around you. You don’t need someone else to validate your worth, your value. Your life and your existence is a testament to how much you are valued, loved and cherished by a Higher Force. If it was not meant to be, you would not have been here, you wouldn’t be reading this.
You’re a beauty, a natural phenomenon waiting to be discovered. Only, you’ll be the one to discover it, that task is for you.