There’s this feeling that’s been bugging me lately, and it’s this feeling of where does compromise end and where does healthy life choices begin as a woman. To be more specific, I’m referring to relationships, the intimate ones. The touchy-feely, baby I’m falling for you, I think I’m in love with you kind of relationships.
Now over the past two years, it’s been quite a bumpy ride for myself in the relationship sector. I fell deeply in love with the wrong Brutha, but out of it, I birthed a beautiful child who I had to release back into the world of Spirit (a personal encounter that broke a limited belief of mines). I learnt how to love, I learnt how to trust and how to be patient but I also learnt how to be bat shit crazy! When the red flags stood erect, proudly waving and presenting themselves, I refused to listen and not to my surprise I ended up in a train wreck of a situation. After this mess, I told myself that until I’m ready don’t get involved. However, over the past 8 months, my curiosity was being tinkered with and I found myself interested as to who’s out there, and although the dates have been nonexistent, I’ve had my encounters. If I’m completely honest, I’ve learnt that I am quite satisfied and content with where I am and who I see myself becoming.
I am confidently lost.
Don’t get me wrong, at times I get lonely which is quite natural as we’re human beings and our natural desire is to share and connect with another intimately, soulfully. My questions are, when do you know for sure you are ready to share your life with another, are you making this choice out of loneliness or confidence, and what are you willing to compromise to satisfy this desire?
Many of us at times convince ourselves that we’re ready, the loneliness gets too much and we drop all of our boundaries and find ourselves in a very sticky and shitty situation. At that point we have no-one to blame but us, we consciously chose to get involved in a situation we knew from the get go was not right, truth be told there is no one to blame.
I’ve met so many strong, independent beautiful women in my short time of living, and it’s through their hurt that they developed a thick but loving skin. One of these women that I hold eternal respect for is my mum. She went through a very turbulent relationship and the result of it ended with her closing into herself, with shattered confidence and a heart so broken she could hardly recognise herself, she was far from the woman that she was when she got involved and she definitely wasn’t the mother I knew in Jamaica. When mum decided to take a stand, leave the abuse behind, she made it very clear that no man could come into her life and do that again. It’s been a number of years now, my rough estimate is over 10 years. The beautiful thing about this is that my mum holds so much respect for herself and her family that she has never brought a man home, don’t get me wrong she got involved but when this dude wasn’t making the cut, she cut!
We as women are naturally submissive, receptive, open to many things and when we love, we Love. Our hearts take a pounding and yet it weaves itself back together to support the ones we care about, we make excuses, we justify behaviors that should not be justified and we forgive maybe several times too much. If we’re unhappy, and if who we’re becoming involved with doesn’t stir a passion inside of us, and if they are not one to open us up to ourselves, our truest selves then why are we compromising for half love ladies? There’s nothing wrong with giving a situation over to God, like “Bruh, I’ma let you take this one because my human strength cannot possibly handle” but we do that very little. We fight a battle that is not ours, we compromise our self-respect and we prolong an unhealthy situation, why? because we’re scared of being alone, We’re scared of taking the time to cultivate us. Well, how can we be present for someone else but not us?
I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to compromise, but what are we compromising for? And are they going to meet us halfway? Too many times in loneliness and somewhat desperation everything that we hold important to us seems to go out the window for sporadic moments of closeness, we convince ourselves that we want what the other wants and when it’s too late we fail to take accountability and blame it on the other person, it’s their fault. No, it’s ours honey. Every day we are given a choice, and as difficult as some may be, we are still given the power to choose. On numerous occasions out of bitterness and anger I’ve blamed the other person, when really I knew all along it wasn’t working, I was forcing a situation that should have been left alone and we both learnt the hard way in the end. Out of all that tension and discomfort, I’ve learnt that I am ENOUGH. It’s not in a partner that I find my completeness, it’s not in playing the field that I find myself or my joy. It’s in finding me, discovering me and the wonderful being that I am and in taking the time to discover myself, I will have developed patience enough to discover another when the time calls for it.
Be Beautiful. Be Wild. Be You. xx